My thought process of the reason why

The most remarkable difference between my previous and current works are definitely colours I pick. I would use a broad range of vivid colours until last year, but I have been freely using colours by which I am attracted. Those colours are pinkish, soft and somehow flesh tone. Also, I painted red heart symbols on my current paintings by using 'passionate red colour', which I have never done before. When I mix two or three colours to make particular pink colours, I always feel a strong impulse to brush them on a canvas. It is a similar feeling of applying lipstick at the end of the make-up on my face. That means I am literally satisfied with using red colour even in the process of make-up and making a painting. Also, I hardly skip beautiful petals without photoshoots when I see them, which is another type to get a similar feeling. If the feelings come from the same origin for some reason, they may be related to my unconsciousness or something. So, I began to focus on why I use the colours more frequently than before. The two flowers below are showing the feeling of my beating heart.

The first step I did was "being honest." Did I genuinely depict things based on my health anxiety, hypochondria? Yes, I definitely have it. However, I concentrated on my anxiousness, not as much as I used to do. But the point is that I was trying to figure out what was in my unconsciousness, making a narrative and painting language. 'Hypochondria' is one of the things I have found to develop my thought process, which is obviously interesting to add to my artist statement. Audiences may try to view my paintings according to my fear if I choose this theme. But then, it was not what I want to present in my paintings, even though I agree that I have slight health anxiety, and somehow I am affected by it.  

Secondly, I focused on the colours of my painting that have recently been changed. I actually feel more freedom than before in terms of care about my outward appearance and paying attention to others. I had a very short haircut in Feb 2018 because my hair was totally damaged and way too long. When I did it for the first time in my life, I felt so awkward and tried to have a 'girl's appearance'. But then, I gradually realised being free from other's gaze, which always pressurised me, except for the eyes trying to judge me whether I am a boy or not. After sincere conversations with peers, I am able to understand that my works are more like independence, not hypochondria. In fact, I have decided not to do make-up since last year, except for special days to dress up because I don't need to be beautiful anymore; being prettier is basically for people who see and judge me by my appearance, not for me. I am assuming that the space to express myself has been shifted from my face to canvases because the feelings when I put make-up on my face and apply pinkish colours on canvases are quite similar. Actually, I'm feeling much freer when I paint than I did make-up. Also, I like the fact that I am delighted with my new paintings and the new attitude toward myself and the people around me. Initially, I thought that the reason why I put glitter and bronze pigment or something was to avoid making realistic bodily forms, but I consider it is more like my tendency to express myself in some way. In other words, my new painting is a sort of reflection of my state of mind and individuality, like make-up was regarded as an expression of my own personality. I love shiny and twinkle stuff!